I was just in the shower and I made a huge realization: I am focusing all my creative energy in the wrong places.
See, I would consider myself a thinker, a doer and maker. I'm an inventor, a designer and engineer. But looking at my life lately, I've been spending a majority of my energy trying to be something that I'm not -- a brand.
This desire for a brand identity comes from an honest place. A year or two ago I began scaling back my work because I felt like it wasn't really getting me where I wanted it to. I had expectations that I was an artist, and as such, I needed to do artist behaviors and have artist things. The logic being that doing this would get me into some important gallery or some cool press attention.
So I tried to design a brand and I built a website. I went to more events and started schmoozing. I started to dump a disproportionately large chunk of my energy into inflating this identity of "Phedhex" with the idea that this could be a brand that could get me things. Eventually this brand became a manifestation of all my artistic insecurities and fears. I was afraid that, when it was all said and done, I'd just be an unnoticed blip in the art world. I think it's fair to say that this desperate struggle for a brand comes off as a desperate struggle to cover up something that isn't actually all that interesting.
And in the end, all of this irrational behavior taught me one thing: I need to stop freaking about about my insecurities and instead, I need to focus on what I'm good at and what I'm confident in.
See, I know 3d space; I know the human body; and I know computers. I'm a damn good dancer, 3d designer, and engineer. I am very good with my hands, and, most importantly, I know how to grind on a project day in and day out until I can forge a vague emotion into a crystal clear idea -- a fully-developed and well-articulated design to share with the rest of the world.
More importantly, that's what I love doing most. I pride myself on being a brain that has the tools to articulate, sketch out, and otherwise present sharp, inventive ideas.
That said, I think I'm done with my (slightly embarrassing) past. My web identity is going to undergo a makeover:
First -- "Phedhex" is a misnomer for the conceptual artist. "Phedhex" is a brand, it's a pseudonym, and it's all about presentation. I actually donned the name in gaming circles and dance circles (where pseudonyms are appropriate). "Phedhex" is neither a brain nor a human being, but the presentational idea of a person. That said, this week I'm going to retire "Phedhex.com" and redirect it to Albert-Hwang.com
Second -- Heh, this blog theme simply has to go. To me it represents misguided hard work. I want people to pay attention to my ideas, not some brand. My ideas only get muddier when associated with a brand identity. Within a week I'll drop this theme in favor of some free theme I find on the internet that enhances readibility and navigation.
Lastly -- I'm going to write at least 2 posts a month for the next half year. I'm committed to sharing my ideas with the world, so I guess I just need some corresponding behavior to prove it to myself.